The feelings and experiences happen in a moment and stay with you forever, comforting or horrifying you for an eternity. I have been there, I have felt all of those -- and many more.
A call I received today at 2:43a was one of those moments. A life was lost entirely too soon this morning. My 28 year old cousin passed away.
Moment of impact.
We all experience varying degrees of loss and will continue to endure them until we ourselves are lost to our own loved ones. Each loss comes with its own horrific nuances. There is never a real answer to the question "why" and even if there was, it would never suffice. The suffering endured after the loss of a loved one deserves to be its own circle in hell.
Merely thinking of the pain of his immediate family is almost too much for me to handle; the pain of being them right now must be unimaginable.
I wish pain and suffering were tangible elements that could be broken apart and shared, so that no one person would be made to swallow more than they were able.
I wish this all the time.
My moment of impact in this instance pales in comparison to that of his parents or sister. And nothing makes me feel more helpless than not being able to help them in some way -- but how do you help? Where do you begin? What do you say?
Is there even a right answer to those questions?
I always start with "I love you," and I always mean it way deeper than I could ever express in words. I wish that next I could tear away their pain and run away with it... and just dump it in the ocean, or bury it way down deep -- close to hell, where suffering like that belongs.
A life lost so young and filled with so much promise is vomit inducing. There is so much life to go on living without them, and too many years will pass before meeting them again. It's unnatural and maddening. It makes you question everything. It makes you reflect on your life, your choices, your circumstances. It makes you hug everyone tighter and leads you to strive to live bigger and more fully. It sends you on a journey to make it all mean something...anything.
I don't know where to begin today. So, I started here. Writing usually helps put my head in the game, and gain some perspective. I don't know what the next few weeks will hold for me, or for my family, but I know this:
"Sometimes life feels sooooooo long. And sometimes it feels too short" -- Mom
Today, it feels too short.